Mother LaRae

What betrays us?

2011-08-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

The daily lesson is from Mark 14:12 and tells the story of judas and Jesus identifying Judas as the betrayer. What a complicated piece of work and very confusing. If judas was the known betrayer why didn't someone stop him?
Something's in our life just can't be stopped even though we know that they are leading us in a path we would rather not go. I am not talking about fatalism here but a sense of knowing that the Way almost always involves a cross of some sort. when we speak the truth that people do not want to hear it involves paying the consequences for that decision. It may mean the loss of a job, the conflict in a marriage or the loss of a good friendship. All of those are startling consequences and they all involve painful losses. The only way we have the courage to speak in the name of the Gospel is that we know the rest of the story. There is life beyond the loss. The job that was sucking the life out of us gives way to an understanding of who and what God is truly calling us towards. Truth speaking in relationship adds a new intimacy- maybe after a few months with a good therapist! But it is a gift for which we are willing to pay the price. After destruction comes the new life we've waited for. The loss of a friendship, intimate relationship almost always gives way to personal and spiritual insight if we are willing to allow God to help us through.

Do my neighbors know my pajamas

2011-08-15T10:59:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I was at a gathering and I was introduced to another person. I was told that she had the most elegant pajamas in the entire neighborhood! "When she goes out in the morning to get her newspaper and take her dog out we all marvel at the elegant pajamas and matching robes that she has" I was told. Well, that started me thinking....dangerous activity.....I know. When I am home in Cordova, TN either my husband or I rise in the morning, put on the coffe and then head down the driveway with our dog to get our newspaper. My neighbors, if their out at that time in the morning, might marvel at my pajamas but not like the elegant display that my aquaintance. I pretty much go for comfort when I go to bed. I don't think I should go into where I have obtained my sleeping attire, but, because many of them have come from my husbands wardrobe...and I'm not sure he knows of my theft! Just to say that flannel shirts, old T-Shirts and things like that make my bedtime wardrobe comfy. I do have some very nice pajamas that I travel with so as not to be embarrased at a hotel or friends house, but, I save those for the special occassion and not for every night use. It never really occured to me, until my friend's introduction, that my neighbors might be the unwilling viewers of my everyday sleeping attire! We are not close in our neighborhood. We know our neighbors on either side and a few around our culdesac, but that is just about it. Most of us have decks in our backyard and different schedules so we rarely see each other except when we are driving in or out of the neighborhood. But, maybe as someone is walking past their living room window, they look out and see me in my comfy nightwear, with my dog and wonder where I came up with THAT costume! Then they return to their spouse or partner and say: "You won't believe what she had on today!"
Most of us think we are fairly anonymous when we are not in a crowd or a public place. When we drive our car, walk out in our front yard or walk down the sidewalk we don't think others are really looking at what we are wearing, how we are behaving or what we are doing. But, I think we might be surprised about how many people do notice us. I remember that in one smaller town I was in a hurry to get to an appointment. I was rushing and when I turned a corner I was minimally aware that I cut off a pedistrian who was beginning to cross the street. The next Sunday in church the pedestrian (who happened to be a parishoner) said in the midst of a coffee hour crowd: "Mother LaRae, you should pay more attention when you drive, you almost ran me down the other day!" UGGH! It's about being self-aware, other people aware and most of all God aware. So often we are just looking for the most direct line between point A and point B. We seldom care about the litter on the street, the person behind us or the person we step around to continue our journey. Yet, each and everyone of those opportunities for awareness could be an opportunity God is putting in our life. In Lexington I would often carry a grocery bag when I went out on my daily walk and pick up litter until it got full and then dump it in one of the public trashcans (Lexington was great about providing those). It made me feel really good, somehow, that I was part of the solution not the problem. I have to say after my experience of almost running down a parishioner I removed the Episcopal sticker from the back of my car believing that my witness on the road might not be too helpful for the Episcopal Church!

So often I want to blame the strangers around me for all the rudeness in the world today. But, perhaps one of the answers to preaching the Gospel in all the world starts with being a good Christian when we don't think anyone is looking. Well, I probably won't change my nightly attire any time soon. Maybe it gives my neighbors a good laugh to start their day, if they are really interested. But, I will think about the stranger, the litter and the small acts of kindness that no one sees except my ever present God

surrounded by the light

2011-08-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in my home office for the first time in a long time, maybe 2 years. It is as I left it before I went to Lexington to serve as the Interim Dean at Christ Church Cathedral. I have brought with me momentos of Christ Church Cathedral and I have placed them with other momentos that I have of some of the 11 or 12 parishes I have served. Most of them are pictures and as I look at them I notice that each of them is not what someone might think about when they think about church. I have a picture of 2 wild turkeys that used to come to visit me outside my office at St. Martin of Tours (Kalamazoo) and then followed me when I went to Emmanuel in Petoskey, MI. I suppose they weren't exactly the same turkeys but I thought it was nice that when I sat down at my new office in Petoskey there were two wild turkeys outside my office window! It made me feel at home. The pictures are displayed with a poem that a very holy woman wrote for me as I was leaving St. Martin's entitled Some Fine Feathered Friends.

Another picture is of a church door that I particularly loved. On Sundy when it was hot and the back doors were opened I had a view of the county prison that was right across the street. When I preached it made me aware that God's word went to all the prisoners: Those that were in jail and those that were imprisoned in their own personal world of shame, fear, remorse, guilt or some other pain.

Another comes from East Lansing and an unusual altar setting that I have never been able to duplicate in my other churches. I loved that altar area with the artistic talent and gifts that were used to create it. We did an All Saints altar with pumpkins carved with symbols of the saints and somehow the picture picks up the light in such a way that surrounds the altar area with beams of light and warm tones. It reflects the parish that seemed to understand it was surrounded by the saints in light. Many unique and artistically talented people attended this church and it was such a freeing experience to worship with people who may not look, act or even pray the same way. It left each one to be free to be themselves.

Another is the light of a stained glass window reflected upon the shiny brass cross. I remember that it was a stained glass window of the crucifixtion, St. John and Mary at the foot of the cross. I remember the gift of the people of that parish that shared their faith even though they had been through horrendous and tramatic events. Somehow, the pain was holy and sacred.

the one I add from the Cathedral some from an Art Exhibit presented by Ludmilla Povloska (sp) called The Icons of Transformation. The show was filled with ancient Russian Icons and responses that Ludmilla had given to the icons. Yet, there was this stunning but simple piece that I kept returning to time and time again. I often sat beside it to pray. It was called You Are The Icon. It was a 3 dimensional pentagon with reflective material inside the shape. It might have been in the shape of an old coffin, or a cut diamond. When one walked by it reflections of the self immerged. Not perfect reflections, but reflections changed by the light and the angle. Lots of good sermons came from that piece.

At this point in my journey I am often frustrated that I do not know where I will go next or how far from home and husband this time. It struck me how privildeged I have been to have experienced all of these people of God. Each encounter, each conversation, every worship service has shaped me and given me something that I did not have before. From very small congregations to quite large parishes I am undone by the amount that I have received from it all! It is a bounty of God's blessing, mercy and correction. All has not been extremely pleasant (although a large majority of it has been pleasant) but it has all been spiritually meaningful and growth producing.

Are all parishes basically the same? is the question I frequently get asked. Well, yes and no. Each parish has a unique signature, personality and mode of operation. The problems of every parish are basically the same: Stewardship, attracting young families, facing change in polity and policy and dealing with adults behaving badly. Yet each parish has such a unique and different way of approaching these problems that it almost seems to make the problem different!

It make life interesting, challenging and blessed.

Life is good even after vacation

2011-08-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

What must I do

2011-06-09T04:49:00.000-05:00

From Luke's gospel: a lawyer stands us and ask " what must we do to inherit eternal life?" then this man pressed Jesus further on the question because he wanted to "justify himself." I wonder if Jesus and this man had a previous encounter and the man is trying to show Jesus that he was doing what is expected of him by the law! It is difficult not to get in the position of justifying ourself for actions that we believe are right but others perceive as cruel or unjust.we don't want to bethought of as doing wrong when the other person does not know the full story, needs more information or has been misinformed. But the line is thin as what is right, merciful and just and what is merely allowed by law.

Murders or Justifiable Homicide?

2011-05-02T09:20:00.000-05:00

I find myself with mixed emotions and thoughts today.

On Saturday night a young man was murdered outside my apartment building. The young 19 year old man was coming from a bar and was shot by an unknown assailant. The questions are unending. Why was he shot? Was it alcohol or other drug related? There were a lot of people around when he was shot, thank goodness no one else was injured. Thank goodness our glass walled apartment wasn't hit by a stray bullet. The parents grieve and the community is shocked. But, it is becoming all too commonplace even in a city as nice and quiet as Lexington, KY.

Sunday night, before I retired for the evening breaking news hit the television screen. Osama Bin Laden, terrorist and extremist, had been killed by a United States Special Forces team. People gathered at the White House to celebrate and cheer this death. Bin Laden was a very disturbed and wicked man who killed many people for his extremist beliefs. His death may have been inevitable and even necessary. But somehow the cheering and celebrating bothered me. His death will not bring back the many people killed in the 9-11 attacks that Osama orchestrated. His death will not bring an end to the violence and oppression brought about by religious zealots. But, his death may save another 9-11 or another suicide bombing. Ther is such a thing as justifiable homicide. When one's own life is threatened and no alternative is left but to kill the other the law allows a justifiable homicide.

But the cheers and celebration still bother me.

One of those Waiting Days

2011-04-21T13:07:00.000-05:00

All of Holy Week tends to be busy for those involved in the church. Yet, sometimes, I wonder if we don't make ourselves extra busy so we don't have to deal with the grief which calls to us from this time of Lent.

This afternoon I was watching a man clean the very high window at the Cathedral. It is a very precarious window that sits under a ledge and over a stair case. So the cleaners need to set up a ladder from the top step to the top of the window. I don't think the window had been cleaned for years so there was layer upon layer of dirt, grime and smog. It isn't cheap to find someone to risk life and limb to clean a window--so we've put it off. The clean window was startling. Who knew the grime and dirt were hiding so much beauty!

I think that about events and people left unforgiven, the deep grief of aging parents, left over smog from divorces and deaths. It all adds up, you know? So, every once in a while we need to clean the window of our life and let the beauty of the light shine in. Because those incidences in our life happen slowly we often don't notice the build-up until it just gets too much and it all comes out at once. Maybe we should pay the cost of cleaning the window this Holy Week

OK David, you light that fire

2011-04-18T09:58:00.000-05:00

OK David, You Go Ahead and Light That

If I had to write a book about my experience at Christ Church Cathedral thus far it might be this: OK, David, You Go Ahead and Light That! The quote comes from a delightful afternoon I had in the yard of Joell Finney in which we were attempting to do something different for the new fire that is lit at the Easter Vigil. This afternoon was preceded by e-mails that were entitled: Holy Cow, Joell, you will blow up the church with that! I asked Joell to help me because she is creative and yet has experience in science and chemistry. Wanda and David Jacquith came over because, after all, she is the chair of the Altar Guild and David is Roman Catholic and has some experience with this tradition as well. I felt a little bit like teenagers trying to blow up coke cans with firecrackers! Just in case you’re wondering…..Thermite in Vodka doesn’t really make a nice enough fire. As we were experimenting in her front yard I thought about Steve Specht’s often quoted phrase: If this would appear as headlines in the New York Times would you be comfortable with having the whole world know about it. So, I thought the headlines could be: Priest and company (and it would be all about the priest of course----headlines don’t care about co-conspirators!) blow up historical house in preparation for Easter Vigil. Well, we didn’t blow anything up and we actually had a difficult time lighting an actual fire. But it will be interesting to see what, eventually, was the winner!

I thought the quote that came out of that afternoon would be a good quote to describe my time here but also the time we are in now, Holy Week. Most of us have not been in our comfort zone this year and Holy Week really puts us out of our comfort zone. Holy Week is a dark time, a time of deep reflection, grief and wonderment at the hatred and violence that people perpetrate on others. The drama on Palm Sunday was profound and meaningful, yet, deeply moving and full of experiences of grief, guilt and violence. So, why do we put ourselves through this year after year? Why try and build a new Easter Fire when the same one has worked year after year, for that matter, why build an Easter Fire at all when we now have flame at the click of a button? For sure, it is tradition, but the tradition is not in the act—the tradition is in the meaning of the act. A few weeks ago I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad. It was late evening, it was raining outside and there was nothing on television, my book didn’t seem interesting and the even the dog was disgusted with my self-induced funk! I had this new fire of the Easter Vigil on my mind and I began to think about all the ways I’ve seen the new fire lit -- charcoal with wood, sterno in a glass dish, flint on kindling which goes into a huge bonfire and, of course, the fire in the baptismal found that nearly caught the church on fire. I began to smile at the many different ways that we try to light the fire in hope in the midst of our darkest night. There is no “right” way to light it, of course, because it is the fire that is important not how we get to the flame. We have a lot of hope in our life but that hope isn’t always lit the same way. Sometimes it comes from the most unexpected places and sometimes it comes from the familiar and deep wells that we can count on in our journey.

Holy Week is a time in our life that we concentrate on the journey and the hope in the midst of the journey. As we walk the darkest week in our Christian experience we know the rest of the story. We walk this journey of Holy Week with absolute confidence because we know how the story ends. We know that we shall not be overcome and that Christ will meet us with pure and unadulterated HOPE AND RESSURECTION. But hope is only fully known when we have seen what hope is not, light is only known when we have fully experienced the darkness and resurrection is only know when we have given ourselves up for dead. The great meaning of Easter comes with the journey of Holy Week.

If you have never participated in the events of Holy Week I encourage you to put aside some of your schedule this week and attend some (if not all) of the Holy Week events. Easter seems much more powerful with this journey. If you have participated before I remind you of this powerful and meaningful journey.

Let us enter the gate of Holy Week and “OK, David, you light that fire!”

2011-03-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

2011-03-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday, Sr. Judy Yunker was our speaker at the Dean’s Forum: How to Forgive. The class was a very holy time in which she used scripture, history and personal experience to give us a glimpse into how forgiveness has been done in the past. Sr. Judy came with her dog, Lisa, who is a service dog and works with people who have been through trauma, tragedy and loss. This dog was sponsored by a middle school class that had a teacher die in a terrible automobile accident and received the ministry of one of these types of dogs. They named the dog Lisa after the teacher who had died. As Sr. Judy talked the dog ‘worked the room’ walking silently and cautiously from person to person. Lisa would sit for a while and be petted by one person and then move on to the next – not demanding or intrusively, but patiently and softly. Sr. Judy and Lisa were a team working with healing and grief.

We all carry a certain amount of trauma and grief around with us. Every once in a while it catches us off guard and suddenly we are aware of the burden we bear. We can continue to try to stuff it down one more time or we can decide that this time we will sit with it and try to recover, heal and search for wholeness. I was thinking that often times God is like our canine friend, Lisa, in that sometimes God simply comes and sits next to us and asks us to receive comfort and healing for old wounds, hurts and disappointments. No pressure, not demanding but available and ready to receive whatever we are ready and willing to give up. It takes a while, this forgiveness thing. We have to get over the sting, but, at some point for our own spiritual, mental and physical health we need to give it up – to release it. Then every time we think about it we are reminded that we don’t have to hurt anymore, we don’t have to seethe any longer for we have opened the door of our prison from the inside out.

This coming Sunday, The Rev. Janey Wilson will continue our series and we have both agreed that neither one of our dogs (Seabury or Abby) would be suitable candidates to bring into the classroom. Yet, even without our beloved friends the very act of coming to this class is healing in and of itself. Sometimes it’s all about just showing up and allowing the grace to flow through us and out into the world around us.

Oh for the old days!

2010-02-22T09:12:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since a post has been added to this blog and probably most people have stopped checking to see if something new has been added. That's OK in my book, the less people really know about what I think is sometimes safer for me. I've learned that over the years of working in the church. It has taken some hard knocks and some failures, but I have learned that speaking one's mind is not always the best. Especially, if one's mind is not aware of all the facts and information that may be forming one's opinion.
Years ago there was a character on Saturday Night Live (the church lady) who would go on and on about a particular subject only to be informed that the subject she was so upset about wasn't really a problem. She ended her skit with the phrase: Oh well, never mind. In my business of the church I find that often we become upset because we react to certain information that we have and form a conclusion before we really check out the complete story. We have preconditioned reactions based on past experiences, suspicions and conversations and when a certain story reaches our ears that confirms what we think we already know, well it can be embarrassing to say the least. Then we are faced with having to make an apology (oooh so hard to admit when we are wrong) or try to quietly fade into the background Priest and lay people alike have difficulties with the church. The smart ones have quiet conversations, ask a lot of questions and form very few opinions about individuals and their motives. Then, there is the rest of us. Passionate about the church, afraid that the changes in liturgy, polity and ministry will somehow threaten our experience of the Holy. I know it is not rational and I have had to admit that some of the things that seemed just untenable at the time have proved to be some of the best changes for me and for others. But there is good change and there is bad change. Sometimes things that look the best at the beginning end up being a horrible choice for the church. Remember tie dyed vestments? I was upset when we brought the altar out from the wall and began facing the congregation when we celebrated Eucharist. I didn't want to see the face of the priest, I wanted to know that we all stood the same way before God! Then, the theology kind of grew on me. God is not up in the sky, aloof from God's creation. No, God is in our midst. My fussing and fuming about the changes of the altar were not useless, but they were based on a fear that my change in worship would threaten my relationship with God. I don't like change, never have.
I just read an article by The Rt. Rev. Wendell Gibbs in the January edition of The Record. It reminded me that change is a part of living. We change or we die. I look at the declining membership of the major denominations and wonder if we have changed too much or if we have not changed enough? It would be comforting for me to think that we have changed to much--and that by somehow going back a few years the church would be the same strong institution that she once was. But, probably that is not the case....it would be way to simple. Most likely the case is that we have a lot of change in our future and maybe the church will never be the kind of institution she once was. Maybe that is a good thing. But, I long for the days of full churches, full sunday schools and programs with a full staff. Oh for the days of Egypt!

All the Glory none of the Pain

2009-10-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

I read a lot of articles, posts and other 'stuff' that don't make it into my sermons, blogs or other writing that I do. I read them because they lead to other thoughts, ideas and concepts. Recently, in preparation for a sermon on humility, humbleness and humiliation I read an article about the Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Greene. Greene was fired from the Tribune for having an inappropriate relationship with a 17 year old who he had given an interview to while she was in high school. The article that appeared in the Chicago Magazine in March of 2003 was entitled The Sad Saga of Bob Green.
This story told of a person who was driven by accolades of success. He had a certain talent for being able to read the pulse of his readers and understanding what they wanted to hear. It is a suspicion that he often fabricated stories to get the righteous indignation of his readers frothing and to make himself look like a hero. He was created by a following of readers that wanted to believe what he wrote was true and wanted to believe that he was as good as they thought he was. Now for the irony of the situation. He was fired because the teenager, now a woman, thought her relationship with him might be worth something - either fame or money. Turned out, it was. Some quote I found tremendously insiteful from this article by Marcia Froelke Coburn and Steve Rhodes :

"What was Bob Greene's talent?" says Jim Squires, the Tribune's editor from 1981 to 1989. "He arrived at a point of view on common, everyday issues, and he expressed it in a way that obviously a huge bunch of readers in the country would look at and say, ‘I agree with that. That's exactly the way I feel.' And that is a talent. That is a great talent."
The trouble was, in public comments Greene made it clear that sometimes he did not believe what he wrote. He was just finding an angle that would make a good column-draw attention, promote his career. He mixed candor and calculation so shrewdly that, looking back over his work, it is impossible to tell when he is being honest and when he is just reaching for effect.

He had that ability to understand not only what people wanted to think and hear but what they wanted to feel. He used to to his advantage and his readers were ready to overlook the other behavior that they didn't want to know about. He of course is not the only one who used his relationship ability to excuse his behavior. I listened in absolute mystified amazement to David Letterman confess to his affairs with women on his comedy show and heard people laugh about his situaiton. He is funny, witty and in sync with want they want to believe. So....we excuse what we don't want to know about.

Now, here is the crux of my blog. While people are arguing about sexual orientation, blessings and ordination there is an age old problem that we just politely ignore -- until someone produces proof that will be publicly embarrassing. The church of full of people like Bob Green who use their ability of relating to others and spiritual massage to excuse poor behavior. If one reads the whole sad saga of Bob Green the handwriting was on the wall. He was cutely referred to as a womanizer. The staff members of the newspaper warned young women staffers and interns about his behavior and cautioned them in being alone with him. He behavior was excused by his editors because his readers (the locals) loved him and he provided the Tribune with a loyal following. He kept people at peace with the Tribune! From the mega churches to the local priest of a small congregation we excuse inappropriate behavior of spiritual people (not just men and not just clergy) because they are able to hook the people with their ability to publicly relate to them. I've known clergy who, in their rage, have thrown things at acolytes, berated lay readers and sworn at empolyees on a regular basis. But, because of their other gifts their behavior is likely ignored or explained away because people like them. I've known congregations and bishops to ignore clergy who consistently use sexist, racist or homophobic language because 'they don't kow any better.' They are not called to account or brought up short because they serve the instituions desire for peace at any cost.

Does this ring a bell with anyone else? It isn't a modern phenom -- God knows David as well as God knows Bob Green or David Letterman. Sure, we all have our weaknesses and our achilles heel. But when does that weakness and achilles heel need to be tolerated and when does it need to be unacceptable for the church who promises to respect the dignity of all human beings. We probably need more people to threaten to sue the church for the kind of behavior in order for the church to feel the pain. This is stuff worth talking about, folks. The church is an institution and it will only respond when it's survival is threatened. That's how the anglican church got the attention of the episcopal church. That is how the rampant pedophilia was brought to a halt in the roman catholic church.

The problem with this is that we go from silent permission to witch hunts. There must be something in between. One of my hopes comes from the mandatory programs of sexual misconduct prevention that have been put in place in most diocese (the insurance companies threatened to not cover the diocese if they didn't require their employees to attend these sessions). More vestries and diocesian boards are stepping in when inappropriate expressions of anger from church leaders are consistently expressed to employees and church members by first offers of therapy, anger management classes, official reprimand and, if all else fails, termination. Yet, it is amazing to me as I travel around the nation and hear of other episcopal dioceses,denominations in our U.S of A that don't have anything like this in place. It is better than it used to be, but, it is not as good as we want it to be.

We can do something as individuals--as people who have promised to respect the dignity of every human being. When we are told stories from individuals who have been inappropriately dealt with by the church leadership we can 1) empower them to make a difference by reporting it. 2) if they are not willing, reporting it ourselves and protecting the victims as much as possible and 3) working within our parishes and denominations to put mandatory programs in place to put people on notice that their poor behavior will not be excused and will be noticed. It also reminds us of who we are and to whom we are ultimately responsible.

The last

2009-09-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

My oldest brother, Bill, died in 1997 and my youngest brother, Gary, died in 2005. My mother died in 1987 and my father in 1994. The dog, Husky, died in 1960. I am the very smallest one in the picture and I don't know who the other girl is, perhaps my cousin or a neighbor child. Who would've thought that fifty years later I would be the only member of my immediate family still alive! Back then we were the picture of health for this family living in a farming community.

We cannot control the happenstances of our life or the events that surround us, but, we can (of course) control our reaction to them. Usually, when I say that people think that I mean taking the stiff upper lip and going on in spite of the trauma that we experience. But, I think that controling our reaction is, often times, not moving on too quickly -- allowing the meaning to sink in and understand what it means for us and for those around us. For me, Bill and I were estranged from one another and I never had an opportunity to say I'm sorry. His family still doesn't talk with me and I have no idea where my neices and nephews are living. Grudges take a long time to heal. My younger brother left a long line of broken relationships and shattered lives. My parents never meant for it all to end up this way and I never imagined it would, but, it did and it has.

When we move away from pain like this too quickly, we keep coming back to the events -- one way or another -- trying to work them out -- maybe thinking if we just think about it a different way -- it will change what happened or how we feel. But, living in the moment, grieiving the loss and railing against the unfairness of the world help us to create a certain resolve in our life. It is a resolve to do things differently, respond to situations more quickly and to seek wholeness, justice and mercy for all of God's people.

2009-09-14T12:57:00.000-05:00

Reflecting on the words:

2009-09-14T12:52:00.001-05:00

Recently, I've been listening to one of my favorite albums, Regulars & Refugees by Carrie Newcomer. One of the songs on that album has been in my mind night and day, so, I finally looked up the lyrics and was even more taken by the song when I read the lyrics:

All Saints Day

V: All around us and within us
Yet it's only at times we notice
It's as real as rain, and soft as stardust
We know deep down, what nobody told us.

Ch: Can't you feel it ever closer
We breathe it in and we then we exhale
We touch both sides and now eternal
Standing closer to the veil

V: Now is just a, moving image
Not a ribbon, a start and end
There is a bird, a hidden singer
That calls and listens, and calls again

Ch: Can't you feel it ever closer
We breathe it in and we then we exhale
We touch both sides and now eternal
Standing closer to the veil

V: Centered down and moving outward
Sometimes almost, to sweet to bare
There are endless ways to reach home
Just keep walking and I'll meet you there

Ch: Can't you feel it ever closer
We breathe it in and we then we exhale
We touch both sides and now eternal
Standing closer to the veil

V: There’s a blurring of the borders
And I swear that I heard Verse: voices
But every act of, simple kindness
Calls the kingdom down and all around us

Ch: Can't you feel it ever closer
We breathe it in and we then we exhale
We touch both sides and now eternal

Standing closer to the veil
Standing closer to the veil
Standing closer to the veil

© Carrie Newcomer 2005

The taming of Abbie

2009-09-03T14:52:00.001-05:00

It's been January since Abbie came to live with us. Abbie is a "mixed" dog and sometimes a "mixed up" dog. She came to us with a few phobias. Well, I suppose being abandoned in an animal shelter would create a few phobias! Anyway, just one of the phobias that Abbie needed to get over was the fear of getting her nails clipped. To tell you the truth it was pretty horrifying to see the vet try to clip her nails. Although he acted as though it was no big deal, she would snarl, snap, growl and threaten to take an arm off anytime he began to clip. With the groomer, she was worse. Even with a muzzle they couldn't clip her nail.s Trying to put ear cleaner in her ears was slightly better, but, terrifying to watch. He calmly went about his work talking ever so softly to her as he worried about me getting to close to her mouth. So, during my time away at Presque Isle, MI I decided that Abbie needed to learn to have her nails clipped without such a fuss. By this time I knew that Abbie trusted me, loved me and would not hurt me. I began with nail clippers in sight. That was quite a revelation, she wouldn't come near them, smell them or even glance in their direction. But, eventually they became just part of the scenery. Next I began tapping her nails with them. Then came the big day when, after a long walk, I decided to try to clip those claws! The first try I got one nail, the next try I got a foot and the next try, two feet and finally I go all four paws done. It wasn't without some growling, snarling but no snapping. This morning I knew they had to be done again. I started early (because I had a morning appt) with a long walk and a good brush. Then, the nail clippers and one by one they were done. We're working on it. But, it takes a long time. My appointment arrived just as I was finishing her last paw. I had forgotten how long it took.

As I thought about this I thought about how God works us through our own phobias in life (ya know we've all got 'em). When we open ourselves up to a spiritual life and desire that God be present in our life we slowly, ever so slowly, begin the process of becoming more of who God intended us to be. God uses our every day life to slowly, ever so slowly, move us towards being a whole person. Patient and speaking sooth calming words he uses the situations that we are placed in to work through our fears and disappointments. It seems like God says to me: Ok, let's try it again. If I'm having difficulty getting along with a person it seems like meet that person where ever I go. God offers me the opportunity to think, to react differently, to respond with charity and finally to grow in God's grace. I have to admit that some of the 'lessons' haven't gone all that well and I put Abbie's snapping and snarling to shame! but, eventually, I get it!

Sanctuary

2009-08-25T15:16:00.000-05:00

I was sitting by a small campfire I had built for myself after everyone else had left the summer place in Michigan. It had been a warm day (by Michigan standards) and the kids across the way had been swimming, playing, boating and skiing. As I worked around the house, closing up for another year I had head and watched them reveling in the day. Now, the sun was just about down and I had lit a small campfire to sit by and rest my weary bones. She stood on the dock, raised her hands high as if some sort of prayer and screamed I don't ever want to leave this place I smiled because she summed up the feelings of many of us as we close up for the summer and head back to our lives in the real world.

2009-04-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

I was at the wailing wall in the old city of Jerusalem. Many of the women had brought their children while they came to pray, weep and socialize. I captured this photo of an orthodox jewish child who had the traditional long hair on the sides of his head. There he sat, while his mother was a prayer, eating potato chips from a bag and watching the world as he knew it, at prayer. It reminded me of some images I have seen in my own church with children eating snacks during the sermon to keep them interested and quiet. It was all quite normal and probably a little boring to him as he sat amongst the adults who wept for the destruction of the temple and the restoration of Israel. Young and old women came to pray. Some read from prayer books others just leaned on the wall and stuffed pieces of paper with their prayers in them through the cracks of the wall. This wall is all that is left of the second temple that was destroyed in 70 a.d. and it is below the site of the muslim dome of the rock that denotes the place where Muhammed took his mystic journey to heaven.

More than the places (which were powerful in and of themselves) I was taken with the people. In some way no different that me and in other ways formed very different from the ways in which I have been formed. In the Arab quarter of Jerusalem we saw children everywhere, on the street, running through the markets and playing with very simple toys. Near the schools we would see groups of children accompanied by an armed guard and acting as if the armed guard wasn't even there.

Arabs, Muslims and Christians all trying to live on the same small piece of land. More than anything I wanted to sit down and have a cup of coffee with some of the people I saw and ask them about their world, their dreams and their hopes. As I entered the holy sites of the Jesus world it seemed a little unreal. A large metal star in the floor underneath an altar marked the spot where Jesus was born. Really? I said to myself, Really? Well probably (most likely) not really but it reminded us of the tremendous need we have to see things for ourselves. Throughout these holy sites most of us touched the site and said prayers. Many of us wanted some sort of miracle in our life, I suppose. A healing of a terminally ill family member, friend or ourselves; resolutions to personal crises; world peace; safety; children; etc. I kept wondering if it were superstition or faith-or maybe a little of both. I listened to the sounds of the land. The thunderstorm that blew through one night, the calls to prayer for the Muslim, the bargaining in the markets, the bells of the camels in the dessert. Here, amidst the daily conflict of religion I felt an odd sort of peace. Knowing that car bombs and rockets have been exploding in this region I didn't feel as though I was in danger. In fact I felt safer on the streets of Jerusalem than I feel on the streets of Memphis. Maybe a false sense of security, but, then I didn't feel as though I had any 'dog in that fight.' I was just there to see the sights and Muslim, Jew and Christian made their living showing me as much of the sights as possible.

Well, back to Memphis and the pilgrimage continues. The computer mother board fried while I was away so all my e-mail addresses have disappeared, calendar information and other information not saved on the hard disk. So, I write this blog more for me than for others. It seems that so much of my life is disappearing and who knows what will take its place? This pilgrimage to Israel was a transformative experience (as every pilgrimage is) and it seems that it will take some time to unpack it and learn the meaning of it all.

Presiding Bishop visits Memphis

2009-03-12T15:41:00.000-05:00

The Most Rev. Dr. Katharine Jefferts Schori and Mother LaRae as she visited the Diocese of W. Tennessee March 5-7, 2009.

Visit her website to get the full scoop

http://www.episcopalchurch.org/presiding-bishop.htm

To Disappoint

2009-03-12T15:27:00.000-05:00

To Disappoint

I’ve been thinking about disappointments, lately. We all have disappointments in our lives and in our selves. The more successful we become the more sensitive we are to the disappointments we incur. If we don’t expect a whole lot out of ourselves or our lives then there is not a lot to be disappointed over. On the other hand, if we dream big dreams and plan big plans, even good things can seem like failures if they don’t meet up to the dream or plan that we had for our life. As I was ruminating on this I wondered what the origin of the word, ‘disappoint’ might be. So, I looked it up.

To Disappoint: 1434, from M.Fr. desappointer "undo the appointment, remove from office," from des- "dis" + appointer "appoint." Modern sense of "to frustrate expectations" (1494) is from secondary meaning of "fail to keep an appointment." Online Etymology Dictionary.

I had a friend who often told her children that she was not as angry at them as she was disappointed in them. Oooooh…just beat me and get it over with. Failing to keep an appointment with expectations: our own, others and God’s. For those of us who have high expectations of our selves, others and God, the let down can be pretty severe. We expect that we will be rational and even handed and when we lapse into an passionate plea for justice and don’t choose our words as well as we should we have failed to meet our appointment with our expectations. It doesn’t matter who it is that tells us our words were right on target and our passion was motivating and inspiring – if we have failed to meet our appointment with our own expectations we lose the meaning of it all. We expect others to be trustworthy and honest and when they don’t meet their appointment with our expectation – well, it can be heartbreaking for some and for others it can make them bitter and cause them to isolate from others. What about our expectations of God – what appointment do we want God to keep? Do we expect God to be the magical miracle worker that protects the needy, heals the sick and rights the wrongs - especially those committed in God’s name?

Maybe it's a problem with the timing of the appointment or maybe it is the expectation.

Maybe, just maybe, we give up on God, ourselves and others way too soon. The other day my husband reminded me of an appointment we had for dinner. I had written the appointment on another date and so ‘double booked’ myself for the evening. I had to call one of the parties and reschedule our appointment. I suppose I could have called it a disappointment, but, in fact it was a reappointment. Sometimes it is our timing that is off and sometimes it is our expectation that is not realistic.

I am reminded of a hymn in the 1986 Episcopal Hymnal #605:

What does the Lord require for praise and offering?
What sacrifice desire, or tribute bid you bring?
Do justly; love mercy; walk humbly with your God.
Rulers of the earth give ear! Should you not justice show?
Will God your pleading hear, while crime and cruelty grow?
Do justly; love mercy; walk humbly with your God.
Still down the ages ring the prophet’s stern commands,
To merchant, worker, king he brings high demand
Do justly; love mercy; walk humbly with your God.
How shall my soul fulfill God’s law so hard and high?
Let Christ endue our will with grace to fortify.
Then justly, in mercy we’ll humbly walk with God.

God has simple expectations of his people. God expects us to be faithful and when we fall from faith to turn around and receive the faith again. God desires us to be persistent, if nothing else, in learning to be faithful even when being faithful means missing the appointment with others or ourselves. God requires us to try, again and again. When others hurt us, when plans don't go as we think they should, when God doesn't seem to be listening it is tempting to give up and to give in. I am reminded of a race in one of the summer olympics I happened to see on television. The runner fell in the midst of competition, lost her lead and hurt herself in the process. I thought she would simply limp off the field and call it a day, but, she continued to run even though she was hurt and in last place. She ran because she was a runner and the object of the race was to finish the race not necessarily to win. Funny, I can't even remember the story of the one who won the race......

P.S. a word from The Rt. Rev. Barbara Harris: first woman bishop of the Episcopal Church
What word would you leave with the church on this occasion?

I would commend to the church this Franciscan benediction that I have come to love, because I think it is kind of marching orders for the church in the 21st century:

"May God bless you with discomfort...At easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

"May God bless you with anger...At the injustice, opression and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

"May God bless you with tears...To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and warSo that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. "

And may God bless you with enough foolishness...To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be doneto bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor. Amen."

That would be my 20th anniversary blessing to the church.

What do you think?

what would Jesus see?

2009-02-16T11:23:00.000-06:00

What did Jesus see?

I have read the triumphant entry to Jerusalem from the eleventh chapter of Mark probably several hundred times in my life, yet, this morning I read something I had never really paid attention to before today. After Jesus rides into Jerusalem, coats and leafy branches are thrown at his feet and hosannas of the crowd are ringing in the air Jesus continues on into Jerusalem and goes to the temple with his disciples. When he goes into the temple it is said that “he looked around at everything.” I have somehow always missed this piece that he went to the temple to look around at everything. He didn’t go there to pray, to teach or to talk with his disciples, but, he went there to look around at everything. I wonder if he was sightseeing, thinking about the future or looking for something in particular.
Yesterday I went to services at Calvary Church in Memphis. I arrived early so I took the time to just sit in the sanctuary and look around at everything. I noticed that the stained glass window above the altar is a tri panel which depicts the birth narrative on the right, the crucifixion on Calvary (appropriate), and the Ascension on the left. In the first two Mary is depicted quite prominently, but in the Ascension she doesn’t appear to be there. Yet, there is this swath of blue at the bottom of the panel which does suggest her presence. I listened to the faint prayers for healing going on at the altar which happens before the 11 AM service. It was a time of holy observation and reflection which seemed to set the tone for the entire worship experience. I felt refreshed and renewed at the end of the service.
I have also had those other experiences of arriving at another church early and heard two people behind me engaged in a nasty conversation about the rector. I turned around and gave one of those polite nods and smiles which I would hope would communicate that I was there, I could hear them and I would rather not. I couldn’t get the interaction out of my head during the whole service and during the preaching of the sermon all I could reflect upon was the crucifix that was behind the wall on the rector as he preached! It seemed like an omen of things to come.
In other churches I have been unpleasantly struck by the depiction of the Christ figure in stained glass, tapestry and painting with very light pinkish skin tones and blond hair. I am offended by the ludicrous nature of these depictions and the racial overtones they carry for me. I wonder why the congregation isn’t, also, offended by the depiction light skin being holy and it makes me question the parish’s spirituality and sincerity. Yet, even in the most offensive of these observations, Christ has often used these moments as transforming. In one such church I was sitting in the congregation trying not to look at this rather large image of the Arian Christ when I was struck by a thought: What happens when Christ doesn’t look like we want him to? What happens when our non-violent, peace seeking and loving Christ turns the table over in the temple and drives out the money changers in the temple? What happens when our image of Christ as the inclusive, accepting and healing savior tells a young man that because he will not leave his wealth behind him, he cannot inherit the kingdom of God? Sometimes observations can be deeply troubling for the soul. Most of the time we are just to busy getting from one place to the other for holy observation and reflection and we can miss the voice of God in the things around us.

Whose life are we leading?

2009-02-11T11:03:00.000-06:00

How scary it is that what we don’t join in the surprising adventures of this journey, our children will need to do, for they will be limited by our own sad example, or overwhelmed by having to do it for us. James Hollis, PhD The Second Half of Life.

When I am not actively engaged in parish ministry I like to take the time to read things I would not normally read. When I visited Calvary Episcopal Church a few Sundays ago I attended a class entitled: The Second Half of Life. I picked up the book they were reading by the same name written by James Hollis, PhD. Hollis is a Jungian Analyst who reflects upon our subconscious motivations and how they are played out as we live our life. While I believe we have these unconscious motivations and I believe they have a great impact on our life, in order for them to be ultimately useful I need to put them into the context of my life of faith.

Whose life are you leading? is the question this author asks us. How much of what I did in pushing the limits and traveling to unknown lands was compensation for (my fathers) unlived life, or more precisely, an over compensation to help redeem the oppression of his life.

This led me to the passage from Exodus (20: 5-6)
You shall not bow down to (idols) or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, 6but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation* of those who love me and keep my commandments.

The fact is that our parents have a great deal of effect on our life. For those of us who have a healthy respect for the subconscious we understand that much of what we do, especially early on in our life, was to seek our parents’ approval or to rebel against the life we found suffocating. Once we recognize that our relationship with our parents had a significant impact on who we are, the newer question for us becomes: So What?

Jesus, in his teachings, is frequently telling us that we need to make a decision. That is, whether to live into the new life or to sink back into the comfort of the old familiar life. Being aware of what sort of impact our parents had on our belief in God helps us make a mature decision about the faith that will give us meaning and wholeness. As adults we can make a mature decision (most times) about what we believe to be true and who Christ is for us. I do not believe that God punishes us for the lack of faith of our parents, but, we can certainly live out a life of fear or depression if we blindly accept what our parents believed or if we blindly rebel against their beliefs.

At some point we all need to answer this question: Whose life are we leading and what do we want our life to mean? If we fail to make the choice, the choice will be made for us and we will fall into severe depression or anxiety. We can spend our whole life trying to please children, spouse, parents or the public and it will be a never ending cycle of failure. Or we can decide that God has put us here on this earth with certain talents, abilities and sensitivities that are unique to each of us. When we enter into this intimate relationship with our creator and savior then life begins to take on a whole new meaning. Sure we will all do some things because we know it will please our children, spouse or colleague, but, we will not live our life for it.

In my other church adventures I went to a Sunday class at Church of the Holy Communion entitled: What gives us hope? Here is a letter that was handed out by one of the panelists and I found it very inspiring.

Letter to a Young Activist During Troubled Times
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts adding. adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take “everyone on Earth” to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.
One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these - to be fierce and to show mercy toward others, both, are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do,
There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. . . In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

The taming of Abby or Whose in charge here?

2009-01-29T09:46:00.000-06:00

This is Abby. She is the Rutenbar's new puppy and she is a delight....well, most times. When we found her at the animal shelter the tag they had on her was corgi/hound mix. Now, I don't like to question the professionals...but....well, look at her! Anyway, she was sweet. My adult daughter, Libby, whose been telling us we need a dog in our life thought she was 'just a perfect dog for us' My husband, Mark, thought he might like this dog. He has wanted a "dog dog" and not some "fru fru" dog. I've been wanting a dog for some time, but, I was thinking something with like a poodle, a labradoodle or a cockerpoo -- but -- she was adorable and in no time I wanted her also. They told us she was three months old and in good health. But I took her to our vet, Bill Widdup, just to be sure. When I told him she was a corgi/hound mix he looked at me as if I had an eye problem. Don't see much 'corgi' he told me, but, I see some of the hound and I think some Rottweiler. Rottweiler! I said. I think Rottweilers are right up there with Pit Bulls and Dobermans! Then I got my lesson in dog breeds and the raising and taming of dogs. Dogs are the way they are because they have been trained to be aggressive or have been abused. She will be a sweet dog if you raise her right and teach her some obedience. Okay, but can we just put her breed down as a beagle mix? I asked. Well, with shots up to date, a bath and a good once over she was ours and we began the taming of Abby.

She's a bright little dog with a very big bark and a strong will. Superceding all of that is an enormous desire to please. One small accident in the house and several trips out to the backyard with a box full of snacks seemed to take care of the house training issue - we were lucky. It was evident that someone had worked with her before we got her and was kind and loving to her. I've lost one non-poisonous houseplant which she promptly threw up -- but that hasn't seemed to dissuade her from trying again, and again, and again. She's a puppy and she does puppy things. She jumps on the furniture, she jumps in our faces, chews on everything and needs at least a good 2-4 mile walk every day. and she needs obedience training - but I think I'm the one learning a little obedience here - and it's good for me.

For the last several years my doctor has been encouraging me to get more exercise and for the last year she has been explaining to me the consequences of my sloth. High cholesterol, diabetes, risk of stroke, risk of heart attack and the list goes on. Yet, it seemed that once I left the doctors office and headed for the nearest McDonald's for a double cheeseburger it was all just a bad memory. I felt that nagging urge, not only from my doctor, but from God. It wasn't really about saving my life, it was about saving my soul. Bringing into order that which is in disorder. I have a favorite book written by The Rev. Dr. William Stafford entitled: Disordered Loves: Healing the Seven Deadly Sins. Dr. Stafford writes: In some respects we are still in solidarity with the old order of things. the "old Adam" as Paul calls it, still acts as if it were alive; the "old yeast" threatens to sour the dough. The sneaking thought of ourselves as gods, solitary and autonomous, still lives within us and our communities.

The spiritual sin of sloth (accidie), as Dr. Stafford tells us is a form of spiritual despair, a refusal of grace, a bargain with nothingness, that shuts out God's gift of the new possibility. I have to say that, for the most part, I don't feel like I am trapped in a deadly sin and I suppose that is why it is so deadly for me. It takes a lot of energy, motivation and consistency to bring into rule that which has become unruly. It is easier in the short run to just ignore it. The more inactive I become the slower I feel. The God-life, writes Joan Chittiser, is a never-ending, unremitting, totally absorbing enterprise. God is intent on it; so mus we be. The Hebrew poet Moses Ibn Ezra writes: 'those who persist in knocking will succeed in entering.' ...It is not perfection that leads us to God; it is perseverance.

I'm writing this with Abby sleeping sweetly and peacefully at my feet. This has been days of training and she is still on the leash which is hooked to my desk. If I decide I don't want to be such a disciplinarian and let her run, just for a little bit, all hell breaks loose. First it's climbing on the furniture, into the plants and then chewing up the end tables. It doesn't start all at once--but whatever I ignore becomes an excuse for another bad habit. She is really, a very good puppy, but she's a puppy and she needs to learn. We are not puppies, but we still need to learn, again and again.

2009-01-10T10:25:00.000-06:00

Back in Cordova (Memphis)

Yes, it has been another little stretch since my blog has been active. Most of you will find this by accident as you clear out your 'favorite' list of post dated blogs! I am back in the writers chair determined, this time, to complete my book on Interim Ministry (The Secret of a Good Sheet Cake Ministry!)

Most of this moving back and forth is trying to get my things in place. One gets comfortable knowing where certain things are in the house and when we move it upends it all and we need to re-settle in our life. Moving is good, it makes us go through all of our stuff and realize that so much of what we keep isn't really important at all. I think about itenerate people and what sort of things they keep and move with them from place to place. Things that carry good memories are often at the top of the list, but, maybe we should keep things that don't carry such good memories so we will remember the lessons learned. I know friends that have an end of the year fire in which they burn things that have left bad memories or represent the worst of the passing year. A friend from Allegan (who was an organist, piano builder, etc) used to have a piano burning every new year. I never really knew the significance of that but every time I went to this event I wanted us all to stand around the fire and sing "American Pie" the day the music died!

I love to tell the story

2008-09-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

Many of you have not heard from me in several weeks. I have been secluded in the church office until late at night trying to finish a video production of (All Saints, Tupelo Mississippi) church history. The presentation at All Saints is less than a week away and I must admit that I am a little behind in my projected timeline for production. But, true to the form of All Saints, my sisters and brothers have come to my rescue in order to have it finished! Thank you Jesus!
Our history is important both personally and communally. However, the history is only as important as the way that we use that history to better our present and future. If it is merely a trip through nostalgia, it may be a momentary good feeling, but not really all that helpful. Every church I have served as an Interim Rector I have done a presentation of their history. I do this in order that we can reflect upon our history, glean the good and not repeat the hurt. During these evenings we laugh when we see how we have changed over the years, we cry when we remember those who have died, we wince when we remember ‘not our best’ moments and we are mostly amazed at the handprint that God has left through it all. Sometimes it is only when we look back that we can see where God has walked with us, carried us and sustained us along the way. As I put together this history of All Saints there are certain themes that appear and I hope those who see this history presentation will be able to identify themes and characteristics that make this church the place that so many people come to love and cherish.
As most of you know, I love to converse with people about their stories. I love to tell stories, repeat stories and listen to stories. You can tell a lot about people by the stories they tell about their history. Some people tell the story from the prospective of a constant victim, somehow trying to explain why they are so crazy and non functional. Others tell stories as the constant hero, somehow trying to cover up their craziness and lack of self confidence. The best story tellers tell stories as parables. They are stories which have a good deal of reflection, learning and a lot of grace. These stories recognize that we are all a little bit crazy and none of us can really see ourselves. From time to time, when we reflect upon our story, we get glimpses of who we are becoming, who God is and the times in which our paths have crossed.
Jesus mostly used parables in order to teach a greater truth. He was a good story teller, kept people’s interest and left people thinking about what the story meant. God tells us stories through our lives and the lives of people around us. If we just look at the story with interest and go our way then it is pretty useless. However, if we look at the story from what God might be trying to tell us then the story is useful. It doesn’t all have to mean something – sometimes stories are just good stories and people are just interesting people. Yet, the stories that stick with us are the stories that somehow touch our lives and our meaning and God tells a lot of those stories if we are just willing to listen.

What does it take

2008-08-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

Returning to work after some time away is always overwhelming. Whether one has been away because of vacation, illness or other matters the re-entry process can be tough! Really, I think that is why some people avoid vacation, don’t take off work when they should or drag themselves into their office sick and contagious. Having come back from a month of vacation I can sympathize with the temptation. But now a week back into the reentry it is all coming back to me.

This morning I was reading the gospel for the day (John 6: 60-71) I was interested in a phrase: But among you there are some who do not believe.’ For Jesus knew from the first who were the ones that did not believe, and who was the one that would betray him. I was remembering the night before when the Democratic National Committee was having its opening night in Denver. A lot of talk about ‘loyalty to the party’ is big at these things. Is the opposite of loyalty – betrayal? Is there something in-between or not? It seems a little scary to me, but, I think I really understand what Judas was up to and what he was thinking during this time with Jesus. Judas didn’t think Jesus knew how to manage his own campaign. Judas was unable to hear of a new image of the Messiah of God and thought that if he pushed the envelope a little Jesus would come through and the political savior of Israel. I ask you – is that really betrayal? It certainly turned out that way – but was it really intended that way. Judas had become tired of waiting for something to happen and thought he could make it happen. Been there and bought the T-Shirt on that one.

Human relationships are complicated and most of the time I am mystified by them. There is nothing as stressful as a broken relationship and there is nothing as beautiful as a relationship reconciled. Breaking a relationship can be as unintentional as tripping over a stick on the sidewalk or as intentional as planning and carrying out an act of vengeance. We break our relationship with God in much the same way. Intentionally, such as blaming God for our life, not saying our prayers or acting ugly or unintentionally, such as getting out of the habit of going to church, forgetting to pray or ignoring our Christian responsibility we slowly begin to crack the relationship of trust between God and us. Like our human relationships we are given opportunities to repair the relationship or not. Sometimes we think the relationship is beyond repair or other times we think we will wait for a better time or a better day.

We had a horrible event happen at All Saints last week. One of our parishioners was driving home and within a block of his house a tree suddenly fell on his truck, killing him. It occurred to that night that often times we don’t have better day or a better time than the time we have right now. Of course we can’t go around fearing some freak accident, but, it does serve as a notice that we need to take care of our business of relationships as they are presented. From neighbors to marriages last week and this it seemed I heard stories of people struggling with relationships. Why is it so difficult to say I’m sorry or You’re forgiven? We shouldn’t have to wait until someone is terminally ill or on the brink of disaster to finally want to repair a relationship, but, sometimes it takes that severe.

Maybe we can put new wine in old wine skins?

2008-07-12T17:18:00.001-05:00

When I arrived at All Saints’ in Tupelo I was shown throughout the parish. When I walked into the chapel I was blown away with the beauty and spirituality that permeated through this holy space. It is a quiet space that allows for meditation, listening to God, healing and wholeness. I had images of weekday services, Taize services and a space for small group prayer. Those visions were before I realized that there was not a handicapped entrance to the building. Strange as it may seem the handicap entrance ramp was done away with in the construction of the new building! The plan was, of course, to finish the construction project with a different entrance and new access. Best laid plans….
Even though we have not held any services, since I have been the interim rector, I have used the space for my individual prayer and, really it hasn’t been all that peaceful. Some people have teasingly suggested that it is the ghost of a formidable woman, Mrs. Gore, who never got over the building of a new church! I have felt a drawing to this place for my prayers and, yet, every time I begin my prayers I am ‘haunted’ by this holy space that is basically unusable. I would coach myself to ‘let it go’ and ‘release it’ but day after day the thought was taking over my prayer time. There were all sorts of reasons to ‘let it alone.’ The parish has just gone through building a new building and the chapel is old and small. Besides the fact that there is not an appropriate entrance for all God’s people, the wood around the windows needs repair, the doors need to be repaired (or replaced) and the animals that use the crawl space of the chapel need to be relocated and the holes where they have no trouble getting in need to be repaired. One of the people baptized in the chapel in the 1940’s, and a long term member of the parish, told me there was no reason to spend a lot of money on a building. It is old, she told me, and will continue to need repairs. She was right, of course, but she didn’t have to listen to these….whatever they were,,,,every day! Then, a woman stopped into my office one day and told me how sad she was that we can’t use the chapel anymore and essentially described the same thoughts that had been plaguing me. She said if she could get some other donors she would help at least make it handicap accessible!
It is one of those irrational things that we do in our lives that doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense. I told myself that if I went to the vestry and asked to raise the money outside of the budget and they told me ‘no’ then I would have done what I could and I could done and I would be at peace. But, it seems like a God thing. The vestry said: go for it! Now, this is the most bizarre thing that happened! The people that I approached who I thought would have a heart for this project just couldn’t see the practicality of doing this. I was about ready to give up when a couple (who doesn’t really have any emotional connection to the building but are very faithful people) offered to help! It became the kind of new old building project. The contractor we talked to said he would be willing to use parish labor for the demolition and whatever else we could do to help with the cost. Another parishoner who owns a saw mill – donated the lumber. Get Out! I wonder what God holds for this building? It must be something wonderful.

This is one of those things that is really bad about being an Interim Rector and it doesn’t get easier – it gets harder. I see the Spirit of God doing new things and breathing new life into parishes and people but that is far as it goes. It is like seeing a breeze beginning to blow across the lake – but never being able to sit and enjoy the freshness. One of the great things about being an Interim Rector is seeing that breeze beginning to blow and God working in ways I could never imagine – even on my most psychotic days!

Ah...Gods's Beloved Church

2008-06-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

I don’t think I am a very good institutional Christian. This morning in the daily reading for today (Proper 8, Year Two, Monday) Jesus is driving the money changers from the temple and turning over tables. I don’t think Jesus was a very good institutional Jew. The money changers were in the temple in order that people could pay their temple tax without using the Roman coins. I guess Jesus just thought it was unseemly! Everyone who goes to church, is employed outside the home, runs their own business or is a member of a social club has a dilemma when it comes to loyalty to the institution. We are human, after all, and we build institutions to manage just about everything we do. The institution is the framework which holds the faith. Our institution allows us to carry out ministry with some sort of coordination and integrity…..but……

It also is a bureaucracy that can suffocate and can be a haven for people who want to abuse sacred trust. This past week one of my colleagues, an acquaintance from my time in the Diocese of Atlanta (now inhibited Bishop of Pennsylvania) has been convicted by an Ecclesiastical Court of a canonical offense. That may not seem all that bad until you realize that he failed to report sexual abuse and then supported the priest that was the perpetrator. You can read the full and gory details here: http://www.episcopalchurch.org/79901_98300_ENG_HTM.htm if you want hear the rest of the news. I feel like Jesus wanting to turn over the tables in the House of Bishops and House of Deputies, the Church or somewhere that allows these people to get by with this for so many years! It’s all so political …even his conviction smacks of some politics if you ask me (but then not many people do ask me!).

Then, this morning All Saints in Tupelo, here, fed 50 people in need. It’s not really the breakfast that brings them here. It’s the fellowship, the home touch to the food and the care they receive from the volunteers. Many of them eat at the Salvation Army and at All Saints. This morning my office has been a steady stream of abused, neglected and outcast individuals who come to the church for help. If we didn’t have the institution it would be much more difficult to give this ministry. Isn’t it strange that the same institution that has done our share of abusing, neglecting and casting out is the same institution that claims to minister to these people?!?!

I can’t say that I feel very loyal to the institutional church. I love the Church (even with all her flaws) and I appreciate the structure that allows so much of God’s work to be done in the world. I hope it is a conflict that keeps me hungry for justice and able to look critically at the resolutions, policies and decisions we make as a church. I hope it keeps us all honest and able to withstand the temptation of abusing the trust that God has put in us. Even the church is not worth risking our soul.

Out there, somewhere, there are millions of people whose lives have been made better, healthier and more whole because of their connection to a community of faith – a church – full of flawed individuals. I am one of those people whose life was transformed because of the Episcopal Church and those who have ministered to me. We have been healed by the touch of God’s people, we have been brought in when no one else would sit with us and we have been fed and nourished by the worship and ministry. And, there are people whose lives have been destroyed by the same. I suppose the hope in all of this, for me, is that there are people willing to face whatever it may be to bring these people who have abused the trust that God has given them to some sort of justice and accountability. The case that I referred to at the beginning of this journal entry was thirty years old. This may be too old of a case, maybe, for a criminal court to act but not too old for the church to do something about. Some may wonder why this woman just didn’t let it go and get on with her life. Others may believe that she has been used as a political pawn to get this bishop to resign from his Diocese. It sort of reminds me of the persistent widow in the gospel story (Luke 18:3-6) that eventually received her justice.

I suppose that we all make poor decisions and have done things that we wish we wouldn’t have done. Whether it is in the church or in our worldly vocation we make mistakes. It seems the more successful we are (or want to be) the more temptations and abuses we must guard against. Each and every one of us is called to be accountable to those who we have injured. There is nothing as powerful as the person who can admit their mistakes, offer apology and beg forgiveness. As Christians we are aware that the full accounting is nothing compared to the grace that will be given to those who are penitent. Yet, it seems to me that grace is given when the light is shed upon the darkness of sin and temptation and all is revealed. The abundance of grace is not so much for the individual who has sinned and gone astray as much as it is a sign for the faithful. We know the abundant grace because the totality of the depravity has also been known.

Ah…God’s Beloved Church

Physician Heal Yourself

2008-06-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

The Benedictine rule says that we are not our own teachers, not our own guides, not our
own standard setter, not a law unto ourselves. (Rule of St. Benedict; Insight for the Ages,
Joan Chittister p. 176)
The other morning when I was getting ready to come to the church I was about ready to turn off the television when I heard these words: Coming up: do-it-yourself psychotherapy. I shook my head and thought that I had heard the ultimate in self help endeavors. I didn’t get a chance to stay and hear the segment, however, it brought to mind a quote this quote from Joan Chittister and it related well to this attempt to 'heal ourselves.' . One of my favorite recording artists at the moment is Duffy. One of her hit singles is 'heal yourself.' Would that it were that easy! We are broken as we share relationship with others people. Our wounds and taumas don't happen in isolation, they happen because have been hurt or we have hurt other people. My experience of psycho-therapy and spiritual direction has been that the relationship with my counselor or priest has been part of that healing process in my life. Think about it for a moment. The problems that give us the most difficulty in life are those that develop as a result of the relationships we have in our life: parenting, collegial partnerships, and spousal and sibling relationships. It has been my experience that healing, also, takes place in the context of community.

Often, when folks have personal trauma in their life they begin to withdraw from friends, family and church. Isn’t that just like our human nature—we run from the very things and people that can be of help. The very nature of being a Christian is that of finding our new life in community. We cannot be a Christian without a faith community. We can be faithful, we can believe and worship God and we can be very honorable and good people, but the very nature of the Christian faith is to meet, pray and fellowship with other Christians. Whenever two or three are gathered together in my name Jesus tells us I will be among them. Yet, it also takes an community that understands themselves as a healing community and not a community of individuals.

We don’t only come to our faith community soley for what we get out of it. If we take our faith seriously (and that is always the question) then we come to our faith community because of what we have to contribute to it. God calls us to be with each other because we have something to learn and receive, but also, something to teach and to give. In a world of do-it yourself psychotherapy it is sometimes difficult for us to remember that, as Christians, we are called into community with one another.

This week when I come into All Saints I have felt the activity hum and the excitement in the air as Vacation Bible School is in full swing. Our children are forming relationships within the church that may last a very long time, maybe even into adulthood. Yet, even in this bliss of community among the children there are a few tears here and there and a few disagreements that must be worked out. By living in this community they learn how we work things out as a body of Christ. They, in their way, have things to teach adults. Their observations can be particularly poignant. This Sunday the children will be in Church singing their songs and telling us about VBS to make the connection with the rest of their community that will encourage them along their way.

Letting Go

2008-06-17T17:39:00.000-05:00

I just finished an article for the bi-monthly newsletter at All Saints, here in Tupelo, MS. Usually it is one of those things that I have to spend time with and think about what I want to share with the larger congregation. This week, though, I received an article through the mail that was so moving and appropriate that I had to share it with the congregation. Because the space is limited I couldn’t say everything I wanted to say about the article and why it was so moving to me. The article was about letting go and I share this letter with you at the end of this journal entry. Letting go has always been difficult for me. When a problem arises, something in the house has broken and I think I can fix it, a computer has taken control of my computer or a new puzzle has entered my brain my family is found of saying “it’s like a dog with a bone!” I will stay up until the wee hours of the morning until I finally collapse with exhaustion trying to fix, put together or install whatever it is. I very much want things to look right, be right and act right! Right, of course, is totally subjective to my standards. Just release, release is my husband’s mantra for me, but, still I am convinced if I just spend a few more minutes on my project it will change the course of history! Yet, I have to admit that some things are just out of my control and not everything can be ‘fixed.’ The time comes when we need to ‘let go’ of some things, some people and some issues. In this letter I was touched by the community that came together to help Bernard let go of his friend and companion of so many years. I was touched that the veterinarian in this story is a parishioner and was part of the community that gathered. Some times we have a hard time letting go and we need to have the body of Christ surrounding us as we let go of something so important in our lives. It seems that over the past few weeks I have talked with a number of people who are ‘letting go’ or questioning whether it might be time to ‘let go.’ I have spoken with people who are dealing with dying parents, children going off to college, difficult relationships with spouses, children and parents. So I offer this story to you, written by Bernard Hufft, I hope it means as much to you as it meant to me and begins your thoughts on

Letting Go......
They are just two simple words, but words that have been weighing heavy on my mind in the recent weeks. We all have heard Mother LaRaes sermon that have touched on “letting go”, or leaving the past behind. Still, to “let go” is easier said than done. In our lives we all have had to deal with some form of this. We have had to let go of a friendship that didn’t last, or letting go a child to grow and realize their independence, or sadly to let go of a parent to some illness or let them go to their heavenly home. It reminds me of when my father died in March of 1986. He had been in a nursing home for several days due to the fact he needed twenty four hour care. I was in our family home by myself; trying to deal with being independent. It was hard; the nights especially. I would lie awake in my bed just listening to the quietness of that old house. At 3 pm on March 12, I would experience the second “letting go” experience of my young life; the first being in 1983 with the death of my mother. We received a call from the nursing home that my father had gone into cardiac arrest. My brother, sister-in-law and I rushed to see him. When we arrived, a nurse met me at the door; telling me that the EMT’s were helping my dad. We then sped off to the emergency room. While I was driving, a flood of memories came to my mind, so little time I had with him, but the memories were cherished. I watched my father take his last breath, and then he went just stopped breathing. I guess God was ready for him now. He was up there in Heaven with my mother, and all those that had gone before him. I had to “let go”. It was tough, very tough, but I did the best I could. Again, it was the nights that were the toughest. I would experience another letting go with the death of my brother in 1998.

Fast forward to 2008, and my life has taken a 360. I am now a graduate, with my AA in Liberal Arts, and looking forward to the days ahead. The past few weeks though, have been tough. In the midst of celebrating my blessings, and good fortune, I had to experience another “letting go”. I had to put my faithful four legged companion Hunter to sleep on Wednesday May 7, two days before I graduated. It was one of the toughest and loneliest “letting go” I have had so far. She was 15, and had cancer, which had been removed once but had come back with a vengeance. I can’t explain what happened only to say that she was in pain. I rushed her to Stephen King, who was her vet, and I could tell by the look on his face the inevitable, but I had to make that decision. He gave her something to calm her down, but in the end, I think she was just tired and ready to go. She waited until Judy DeShong and Mary Lou Parks arrived, and then Mary Lou called Stephen to meet us at his office. The experience that followed brought back those memories of that afternoon in that little emergency room in Lumberton Mississippi, in 1986. I held her until she went to sleep, and then it was over. Judy couldn’t go in the room, so Mary Lou helped. I came home, sat at the top of my steps and cried. Again, the nights are the hardest. I look for her at the foot of my bed. I wait to hear her jump on the bed to sleep next to me. I catch myself in the mornings wanting to take her outside. I guess old habits are just hard to break. For several mornings after my father died I would cook breakfast for two, just like I had been doing since I was 15. Then one morning, I got up and just cooked for one. Just like I now don’t have a reason to leave the radio on anymore when I leave home.

Letting go can be a wonderful part of life, if you think about it. Our loved ones that have gone on before us are now out of pain, reuniting with others, and waiting on us. Our four legged friends do that too. No more pain, no more hurt. I think God prepares us in a way for letting go in all aspects of this life, in his own unique way. I have to believe that he wanted me to finish this semester, and for me to know that I was going to be all right, before he was ready for Hunter. And….I was, but the nights are still hard. I guess eventually I will have to “let go”, of that feeling too.

May 27 Journal

2008-06-11T16:05:00.001-05:00

In the Interim Ministry conference I went to a woman was speaking about signs that people are ‘burned out’ in their profession. All people have a risk of being burned out in their vocations if they do not find methods to renew their commitment, energy and passion for what they do. The first sign she said that we are at burn out risk is that we become irritable:

1) we begin to cut corners;
2) avoid customers, clients, patients or parishioners;
3) begin to mock co-workers and the people we serve
4) begin to denigrate the people we serve
5) Use humor inappropriately
6) We have oversights, mistakes and lapses of concentration
7) We begin to distance ourselves from friends and coworkers.

If we do not find a way to ‘turn it around’ we continue on in our flamed path:
1) our enthusiasm we once had for what we do turns sour.
2) The people we serve become irritants instead of persons.
3) We make complaints about our work life and our personal life.
4) We are tired all the time and we don’t want to talk about what we do, what went on in our day or the future.
5) We start to neglect the people we serve, our family, coworkers and ourselves.

And if we still do not recognize that we are smoldering:
1) Our hopelessness turns to rage
2) We begin to hate people …any and all people
3) Others appear incompetent or ignorant to us.
4) We develop a real distain for the people we serve.
5) We have …. No patience …..no sense of humor …. No time for fun.

This presentation began a conversation that continued well after the presentation ended. Some of us admitted to having burned out of a vocation only to find new life in another vocation. Most all of us knew what it was like to follow a burned out rector. One parish I went into looked like some of the rooms hadn’t been used for ten years! Some of the individuals who had been in a secular vocation before becoming ordained tell me that they thought that laity was just as vulnerable to this burn out as clergy. Whenever we cease to see our vocation (lay or ordained) as a higher calling we can lose perspective and begin to believe that it is all about us! When we become thoroughly crispied we can choose to leave our profession or we can look for a transformation – seeing ourselves and what we do through a different lens. We can either deal with our symptoms of increased health issues, anxiety and worrisome states or we can deal with the cause of those symptoms. It is easy to forget why we do what we do.

When we go through a series of failures and disappointments in our vocation we can forget that God often uses our weakest moments for God’s finest hour!

My friends, life is short.

Life is too short to continue on, day in and day out, without looking to something greater than ourselves. If we don’t think God has called us to do what we are doing maybe it is time to seek a quiet place, still our soul, ask the question and be ready to hear and act on the answer. The question is this: If not this, Lord, then what would you have me do?

June 3 Journal

2008-06-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a discussion about brain surgery this week and was fascinated to learn that the brain does not feel pain:

The brain receives pain from the rest of the system said the doctor giving the interview but the brain, itself, does not feel pain.

It seemed like a very profound statement to me. The brain isn’t able to see itself even though it is able to monitor every other system around it. Just think about how close the eye is to the brain and it can sense pain in the eye. The brain, like individuals, has a difficult time with a self image. When I was a young adult, I was walking down the street and noticed that a woman on the other side of the street. She looked remarkably like my mother; she had the same cadence, body type and mannerism as my mother and I couldn’t believe the resemblance. To my horror I realized that I was looking at my own reflection in the windows across the street. It was only when I didn’t think I was looking at my own self that I was able to see the resemblance between my mother and me. We just really don’t see ourselves for who we really are. We seem to think we know ourselves, but, in reality there is a part of us that is only seen when we inadvertently step outside of ourselves and see ourselves.

This past week I was reminded of a graph that is used to discuss our knowledge of ourselves. It is called the Johari window and it looks like this:

Known to Non Known
self to self

Known to
others

Not known
To others

Essentially this reminds us of the fact that there is a place in our lives that is unknown to us and unknown to others. That place is what speaks when ‘something just doesn’t sit right with us’ or when we react to something with such vehemence that we surprise even ourselves. Even those who strive for self-knowledge and transcendence never fully understand their own psyche. Social Scientists call this the ‘unknown’ area of ourselves, but, others call it the God known part of us. The God who created us knows we are but flesh a breath that goes forth and does not return (Psalm 78:39).

Faith communities, also, have difficulty in seeing themselves. They may think of themselves as warm, open and receiving of visitors, yet, the experience of visitors may tell them the opposite. Those sort of ‘blind’ parts of self-knowledge can be helped if a parish truly wants to attract other members and is perplexed as to why visitors don’t stay after a few visits. Yet, there is, also, this unknown quality of a faith community that is only known to God. I am reminded of a parish that was thought to be rather stuffy and elite. The community thought of this parish in this manner and the parish prided itself as being a place where ‘good’ people belonged. It surprised everyone, then, when they embraced and welcomed a young man who was ostracized by the local community after being diagnosed with AIDS. The young man was not wealthy, of the ‘right’ family or any of the qualities that this congregation might find particularly attractive. This congregation surprised even itself when it voted to support an AIDS ministry task force. Who knew this congregation had it in itself to actually be Christian!

Well there are hundreds of examples of this sort of lack of self knowledge. As I am writing this a flood of memories come to mind with individuals and parishes that have surprised themselves and me with reactions and actions that only God knew were there.

Coming back from this conference I stopped in a favorite coffee haunt of mine. As I was getting a top for my coffee cup I overheard a conversation. One woman said to the other: I don’t know, I just don’t have it in me to make a move at this time. As I got in the car I wondered how she could be so sure she ‘didn’t have it in her.’ Seems to me that God is really the only one who can be certain if we have it in us or not.

What do you think?

June 10 Journal

2008-06-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

I love good humor and funny stories. Some of my favorite evenings have been sitting around with other church folks telling ‘church stories.’ These are stories that may not be funny to people who don’t understand this kind of humor, but for serious church folk, these stories are hilarious! Unfortunately, the stories also carry with them some amount of deep pain for some individuals who were involved. Some stories involve people who were out of control, mentally ill or addicted to certain behavior. Some of the best stories I tell on myself and, even then, I have waited to tell the story until the sting of embarrassment or the haunt of stupidity has passed. What I find is that we all have these stories because we all make mistakes and we all deal with difficult people.
One of my favorite cartoons I keep in my kitchen is a far side cartoon in which God is in the kitchen creating the world. Above him on the spice rack are things like animals, special plants and ocean life and God is reaching for a bottle with the label: jerks. The title below the cartoon reads: Now, just to make it interesting!
I confess, sometimes I write people off as just that: Jerks. When I have been hurt or ignored by someone I don’t what them to ‘get under my skin’ or ‘take up residence in my brain’ and so I write them off as ‘jerks.’ Then of course God has to weigh in on this little habit of mine and an old quote came up from seemingly no where. It is from Dutch priest and writer Henri Nouwen as he was leading a conference for clergy:

One of the essential qualities of creating community…is not to judge. Do not even in your heart figure out, ‘He’s just a jerk.’ Try to get beyond that. As soon as you start dividing your (community) into jerks and non-jerks, you’re lost, because community is primarily and interior thing. Everybody has to have a space inside you….That doesn’t mean you have to be stupid and let everybody walk over you. There should be compassion. People have to know that in your heart that there is a space for them. (Never call them Jerks, Arthur Paul Boers, p.14)

It feels very vulnerable to let people who can be angry, abusive and downright mean close to us, but, I don’t think that is what Nouwen is speaking about in this instance. We all have acquaintances that we avoid and ridicule because they are people who bother us, say rude things or inhibit our actions in some way or another. It is easy to write them off, but, perhaps the action we are being called to is more powerful than that and requires something more from us. Perhaps by telling them how their actions have effected us we end up building up the community rather than dividing it. We can’t really change people, but, we can allow them an insight if we want to take the time. Maybe time is a small price to pay for being the Body of Christ.